Blog Verite: Great first blog lines

WARNING: AT CERTAIN POINTS, THIS POST RELIES HEAVILY ON USE OF THE “F” WORD TO ILLUSTRATE CERTAIN NORMS OF BLOG COMMUNICATION. PLEASE DO NOT PRESUME THAT THIS POST REPRESENTS A FALLING-AWAY FROM THE PROPRIETY GENERALLY MAINTAINED ON THIS BLOG.

In a recent post, friend-in-blogging weirdloverwilde asked for great first lines to books. As I’ve done little sentimental traveling lately, I proposed to journey from “Next Blog” to “Next Blog” (see upper right corner of this screen) in order to find exceptional first lines to blog posts. These first lines should, I thought, capture the spirit of “blog verite.”

When climbing into the carriage to do this sentimental cyber-traveling, I was reminded of an appropriate stanza from Stevens’ “Thirteen Ways of Looking at A Blackbird”:

He rode over Connecticut
In a glass coach.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he mistook
The shadow of his equipage
For blackbirds.

Tease out what you will.

I stopped traveling when my pity was spent. I realized for the first time that the blogosphere is an epic expanse of loneliness. Pictures of sickeningly anthropomorphized pets (dressed up as princesses or Groucho Marx or Bettie Page or others) are a given, and there are some whose loneliness is so vast that they’ve stooped to anthropomorphizing vegetable matter (“my roses are sick today,” “my garden is doing well!”). Always there to curdle my pity were advertisement blogs for mortgage rates and pornography, as well as the gibbering masses, yearning to break free of grammar and spelling conventions:

yo yo.. me now toking to yp.. she not tt bad.. she tok to me abt love love stuffs.. well.. love's so unpredictable.. i mean.. u may lke a person who doesn't even noe u existed.. life's juz so unfair.. sometimes u may sacrifice more for the one u love.. but dey did not even notice tt u actually did it for dem.. life's juz so unfair.. actually life's nv been fair.. haha.. todae got the fun fair.. (http://icygibbon.blogspot.com/)

Before my heart was irrevocably sickened, I gathered these stand-out first lines:

Some have “hook”:

one in a million 'ooglies' come out so perfect

You are earth!

“Beacause of my swallowing problem my food preferences have changed.”

“I don't know if I ever thanked you for helping me leave my husband.” (written by crawled_away)

“I am online to type my pain.”(written by ohiofrank)

Incidentally, you’d be surprised how many bloggers are online to type their pain. As for ohiofrank and crawled_away, it appears they not only want everyone to know how amazingly fucked up they are, and how they amazingly got together to fuck on her husband’s birthday. Bad fiction, or bad verite? I’d rather not find out.

You’d also be surprised to see how many bloggers are online to publicly register the present course of their fucked-up-ness, as “A Tormented Mind” does:

“I truely feel like for once in my life I can't possibly fuck this up.”

You’ll also be surprised at how many of those who swear they’re not going to fuck things up have fucked up the spelling of this very sentence, in a sense foreshadowing that, yes, lack of forethought, analysis, and revision will ensure that they fuck things up again.

Some first lines are downright kinky:

“All I can say right now is that Manny Ramirez better be licking the mud off of Mark Bellhorn's cleats.”

Some first lines are robustly kinky. Wondering what might replace Burroughs’ famed “Steely Dan III from Yokohama?” Ponder no more:

"This is the first (but certainly not the last) entry of the politcal journal concerned with the Robust Nuclear Earth Penetrator."(I imagine this one takes several “D” batteries)

Some don’t need a great first line to be downright kinky.

And I’ll not deign to provide the link for this one:
.".. pass i'll pixs for wombat I free gay porn of free photos of nude gay black men"
(Gay wombat porn? I’ll admit that even I, a former resident of San Francisco, California, am totally clueless on what this might entail. I now sorely regret having let my subscription to “The Journal of Sexual Deviancy” lapse.)

Finally, what about this title for a blog post, a la “Sesame Street”:
“Which one of these bishops does not belong?”

The answer, of course, is "the one with the vagina."